Men who keep their cool in public and snap at family members in private do so in part because the home is a “culturally sanctioned environment.” They are letting their hair down in a manner that’s destructive to both themselves and others. But it can also mean emotional dysregulation. And it’s tempting to think of this in terms of lazing around in underwear or eating dinner over the sink.

“But there was a split between who he was and who he wanted to be.”Įveryone wants to be themselves at home. “He hated his anger problem and doesn’t want people to be scared of him,” Martin says. Martin thinks of one client who would cry and say he didn’t want to be a tyrant like his father, but couldn’t help it. Why are so many generally pleasant men so unpleasant at home? The answer, according to Professor Ryan Martin, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, has to do with men’s desire for power, both over themselves and over their own emotions, as well as a lack of introspection. In fact, it’s a relatively common situation. He’s not abusive, per se, but difficult and distant in a way that confuses his increasingly anxious children, who can see the disconnect, but lack the perspective to understand it.

Surrounded by his family, he’s angry and irritable, prone to yelling, and quick to punish. He’s a good neighbor and an even better coworker. He works hard, volunteers, and makes friends easily.